Solo Retreat

A beach cottage on an island. Two nights getaway all by yourself with books, art supplies, tarot cards  and chocolate chip cookies. Nothing scheduled but a yoga class. Heaven, right? Well, you’d think so, but here’s the thing… I have a fear of being alone. 

So when “the chef” said he wasn’t coming, I rallied some friends to see if anyone would hold my hand in case being alone caused my anxiety to peak. Of course everyone had commitments and couldn’t take off on short notice and there was absolutely no sympathy for me – “poor baby, going to the beach and feeling angst.”

But, I could not deny it, I live with a form of anxiety that comes up when I am alone or overwhelmed. It’s like I’m being swallowed up. Can’t explain it any other way. 

Time I just moved through it.

Armed with Bach flower “Rescue Remedy”, a prescription from the doc (just in case), and those cookies I already mentioned, I drove south from Houston. Once near water, things seemed to naturally put me at ease.  People were friendly. People watching is a great remedy for anxiety.

It wasn’t long before I started praying or talking to my higher power as I walked along the shore.  I thought how absurd this may seem, that I should find myself in this idyllic place and still feel a slight panic or worry.  I just let the breeze wash a feeling of gratitude all over me. 

I remembered something I heard in an online discussion recently stating that to remain in the energy of problem or conflict only invites more of it.  I allowed myself  the opportunity to appreciate this  field of possibilities for attracting more of what I wanted.

For a time, I actually was in a good place despite my anxiety. Nothing changed but my attitude and it felt good. I would have to hold onto that good feeling and remember it next time I felt myself slipping into the panic. 

I could write more about the anxiety and how It comes up and what I think about it, but honestly I don’t want to give it more attention. I really want to get through to the light on the other side of it.

Nightime was another challenge because I was alone in the beach house. I felt safe, but you never know. It helped that I had a conference call with my online class so I heard people’s voices and the class held my attention.

The next day I scheduled a yoga class and rode my bike to an internet  café.  I held onto the feeling of gratitude instead of dwelling on, or even thinking about anxiety. Believe me when I tell you, it was about shifting my thoughts to better feeling ones instead of those worrisome woes. If coming to an island and testing my inner strength was what it took, then halleluyah!

But I can’t take off to a beach every time I worry or feel bad. I know that. But what I can do is shift my attention to gratitude and good feelings.  

I wanted to open up and share this with the blogosphere. I am expressing myself more with words.  I invite you along on my path as I share more than my images.

All is well.